Thursday, February 4, 2010

Having a hard time...

Perhaps it's because I expected more weather wise of Texas in Feb! But really this is their winter... rain & 50's... so it's better than zero and snowy AND windy. But something about rain can really get ya down. I have a multitude of things weighing me down right now... I'm just going to put them out there in hopes of doing so it organizes them in my own brain so I can start tackling them. Pretty much in general I'm overwhelmed and don't know where to start.

1. Do I have friends? I kinda suspect I like them more than they like me?

2. Will I ever get over this horrible self image I have right now? I just want to cry when I look in the mirror. I'm just so tired. I'm tired of my weight being everyone else's business. I've either been told "You look like you've lost too much weight" or "Oh good, you look like you've lost weight"... either way... both irritate me. The latter isn't fair because I had a baby a year ago... it took me 9-10 mths to gain the weight to bring another HUMAN BEING into the world... cut me some slack. I'm tired of seeing all these celebs postpartum like a month later looking awesome. I look in the mirror and want to vomit, so it doesn't really seem fair. I don't know... I feel like I'm back in highschool with all these insecure feelings. WTH??

3. What to do about preschool for J? He's a fall baby so he won't start K until 2012. I know for sure I want to do preschool for 2011... but very unsure about next fall. First of all there's not a lot of options around here like there was in IL. Second, most have long hours like 9-2:30 (I want 9-11 two days a week). Third, the price is very shocking. So I'm constantly going over and over about all this in my mind.

4. Our family size. We thought we wanted 4... but any more 3 seems like a HUGE thing to even wrap my head around. I know G wants 4... but he's left it up to me on how many since I'm the one doing most of the work! Some of the jobs he'll have after this one (he's in a different job about every year but in the same place mostly) will be much more intensive hours wise. Hell, we never see him now I feel. And yes I know there are families where they barely see daddy, but I don't want that :( This kind of goes along with #2... if I hate how I look NOW how will I feel after another pregnancy? After J things went back okay, after E things have had trouble remembering how it's suppose to go back together. I think it's very important to agree and be happy with what you make as couple for your family plans. I just want to also do right by my kids. If we're going to have another I feel like they need to be sort of the same age difference as E & J or that it'll set #3 off by themselves. Ugh, again.. I just go over and over with this in my mind. No wonder I'm not sleeping.

5. Still haven't found a doc. I know I really need to do this soon. But I feel very negative about any doc out there right now and am dragging my feet big time.

So that's me right now :( My head is going 80 million miles a minute and I feel like it's taking away from my ability to just enjoy things around me for what they are. Especially the munchkins!

Played bunko for the first time last night with neighbor ladies, we'll do it the first of every month. It was fun, but I felt "very outside looking in". They're either older women or working moms or young with no kids. It makes me very happy for my MNO tonight.... I really need it. I need to be around those who know where I'm coming from and hopefully don't judge. There's not many people I can just talk to... so I appreciate it when I can!


April said...

I can help!

1. Yes, you have friends. We all feel like this from time to time. The best cure to arrange a playdate/or girls night or just pick up the phone and call someone or even email a friend and say "Look, I'm having a bad day, how is your day going? cheer me up!" Reach out to your friends and you will realize how awesome they really are.

2. You can get over the horrible self image, but only you can make that happen. No amount of compliments from other people can change your self image if you love yourself.

3. Keep your eye out. You have some time to think if you aren't dead set on sending him this fall. Ask around, look into churches and daycare/preschool programs and find one that works for you and G and J at that time. Schooling is tricky, but Seth and I have found it easier to take it one year at a time and not worry about the next year until we absolutely have to. I personally think pre-pre-k is not that important and I didn't send Cate until pre-K, when I knew she and I both were ready and we had a place that Seth and I were both comfortable with and could afford without much trouble.

4. Again, one year at a time. Who says you have to decide right now? Are you planning to get pregnant in 2010? If not, why not take some time to just enjoy the 2 that you have now and then reevaluate in 2011. Don't put more pressure on yourself than you need to.

5. That is something that you do need to concentrate on now, so push #'s 3 & 4 back a little bit and concentrate your efforts there for a few months.

January-March are difficult months for me. The Holidays are over, and it's still cold and miserable outside and we are dirt floor poor until we get our taxes back. I go through the same funk every year!

Tys said...

Wow April! Thank you so much for the response! It means a lot! Thanks for being my friend :)

Kate said...

Even though we have only met once, I thought that you were gorgeous, fun, smart, witty and had a kickin' body!!

In reading things you have written on the message board I knew before meeting you that I was going to adore you, so I might just like you a heck of a lot more than you like me. So there. :)

ourbabymakesfour said...

I like you a lot Tyson... fyi. I feel the same way sometimes w/ #1. Part of the prob is that when we hang out there are always kids involved so it's hard to REALLY get to know eachother. We live so close ... we should start hanging out-- I'm serious.
I struggle w/ the family # too. After the past 3 days I say NO WAY to a 3rd, but I know that will all change come soon enough.
Did you read my latest blog post? Looks like we are both in a February FUNK! HUGS tyson!