Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Happy New Years!

Soooo, um, yah... I went total MIA. What a crazy couple weeks. Yesterday family went back north, Greg went back to work today, and Jake is at school right now. So things getting back to our normal crazy.

I have high hopes for 2012. I was ready to be done with 2011. I can't remember ever being so glad to close the door on a year before. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all bad there were some really high points... it just left me with a bitter view of 2011. It's been 5 months since we lost baby Grant, guess I thought if I was going to have issues it would of been then. But no, it's more like it's been building since then. The stress is eating me alive, it's affecting one thing at a time and soon I fear everything. So, on to the future!

This year is the year I'm hoping to finally balance myself. If I don't, I fear I may fall into depression... I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of it now. I don't want to go there. I'm so close I can touch it, but I'm still able to make that choice to not slip down that path. I fully realize for some it's not a choice, it just is... but for me I feel like right now at this moment for me... it's a choice.

So I'm coming up with a plan. The more productive I am, the less I slip. The more creative I can feel, the less I slip. The more rested I am, the less I slip. The better I feel about myself (gym, surrounding self with good people, etc) the less I slip. When I feel like a good mom, the less I slip. The plan will include ways to feel more centered and basically more me. I can't just come up with a plan on the fly... I need to research some things and will be back with a plan.

I know, this isn't something people just put out there. But maybe if I do, it'll help keep me on track. And if nothing else, at least people know what's going on underneath the surface. I don't want to be so angry any more, I don't want to be so annoyed, I don't want to feel so lonely, I don't want to be sad, I don't want to have such negative body image and thoughts, and I'm tired of being tired.... I want to swim through the dark and some out on the other side. I want to smile and really mean it. I have to get through this because it isn't just about me... I can't bring down my partner and I can't let down my three boys.

I'd love to have some company along the way. So the blog will still be about our happenings, some crafts, some decor, etc... but in it will be a little part of me hopefully growing and overcoming along the way!

Here's to 2012!!

"We must always change, renew, rejuvenate ourselves; otherwise we harden".
- Goethe
"If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading".
- Lao Tzu


Anonymous said...

Great post T! Good for you and I agree with everything you said. You and only you are the master of your thoughts and actions. Keep up the good work! Love, Aunt J

shelley c. said...

Love to you! Here is to a wonderful year - you deserve it.

Anonymous said...

We can't always control what happens to us, but we CAN always control how we react to it.

Robert Urich (1946-2002)

posted by Aunt J

Anonymous said...

"The greatest thing that I have done in my life is to survive.

Because to survive is to begin again."

Winston Churchill

posted by Aunt J